Back and Forth Violet and Lilac

*The Winter cold is cold and dreary
Sleep making my bones feel old and weary
Memories that consume my soul
Some of them new most of them old

My boots are worn, my socks are thin
Four layers of clothes and the cold still gets in
Since when have I been so deprived, I don't understand
Living off of borrowed things from boys wanting my hand

I borrow and beg for some sort of foundation
Some peace of mind from this cold damnation
One dollar just to get me by, anything you can spare
What am I saying? Does anyone care?

Solemnly walking I see some people stare
Acting as if the neglected aren't there
Whispers behind hands reach my ears
What have they made me in all these years?*

*Nobody here, alone in this world
We try to get by, but no one knows.
A look at our young faces
Wondering if our parents forsake us.

Our bodies are young, but our souls are old
So many lives we lived so bold.
Riches and treasure, warm houses of pleasure
Destroyed one winter night, fire consumed the whole.

Lacking necessities of food and gas,
We're terribly sorry for our pasts
People once there that we have lost
Bringing them back has its costs.

As do all things in life, we have no strength left
Resorting to begging, is this our fate?
Once living life with riches inherited
Were we selfish? Or has life just changed.*

**Out in the cold, shivering closer to death
Whispers telling me to save my last beath
I've gone, yet again, from riches to rags
Desperatly searching for the stability I had

This cycle of life is taking it's toll
Diseased not my body but the core of my soul
All the things I've already discovered
Still waiting for more memories to be recovered

The things I've borrowed and the things I owe
Piling high leaving little left for me to grow
Every cell in my body itching to run away
But my limited options forcing me to stay**

**To provide for them is my only wish
To save them once with the touch of my kiss
If I could get by with what we had
Perhaps they would always take my hand.

With scolding looks for having a lap top
And begging for a little cash
This is not the life I had planned,
I should have the wealth to match

Our souls are accustomed to having more
Our riches turned to rags, who thought we'd be poor?
With sorrow in our hearts, and pain in our eyes
Why do others, who share the same fate, despise?**

***If giving were a matter of life and death
What would one give for another breath
The light of life will eventually die
If you can aid someone in trouble, why do you lie?

For being young and new to this life
I get looked down upon for not being a wife
For not having enough to support my own
For not knowing what other's have known

Forgive me if I seem slightly out of place
This visage that you see was not my first face
The thoughts and the soul of all that makes me
Is not everything that I'm going to be***

Mood Ring

My mood is ever changing
My mood ring proves that so
One minute it's deep sea, calming blue
The next; an amber glow

Sometimes it changes to lime green
Other times it's dead and black
Once it goes so far, so cold
It's hard to bring it back

It's just a mood ring, most people say
And yet it changes with the time
Who says the temperture causes it's bipolar
After all, the mood ring is mine

Perhaps instead it is a soul ring
Reading different aspects of my past
Searching for the answers of this crazy life
Long before my sanity crashed

I'm not just one person
So my mood ring can't decide
Whether I am living or dead
Or who's soul lies inside

The Dead Castle

There’s no one left here but me
In the ruins of a castle by the sea
Once upon a time the walls stood tall
The strongest fortress of them all
A place that I once belonged
For people broken and people wronged
Where fireworks of colored sunsets painted the dark night sky
And broken hearts could once again learn to fly
Evil seemed so far away
Night was as bright as day
The castle once so full of mirth
Now lies in rubble, ash and dirt
In the torn fabric of a stained fine gown
I wander the streets of an empty town
Smoke of fires colored walls red
Everyone here, even me, is dead
Shadows dance in candles flame
Colors of red and black, dark and pain
Night after night, wave after wave
The ocean washes the memories away
Nothing but the sands of time
Could have brought down the home I once called mine
The longer I stay, the more it disappears
Washing away the last moments of blood and tears
I’ve got no where left to run
What is life without a sun?
I can’t stay here if I’m dead and gone
This world in which I no longer belong
Forget this place; well I’ve tried
But my life was here; my heart, my pride
I wanted to go down with the ship
But I survived when the castle was hit
I wander these streets alone
With the ghosts of those I called my own
The past ignores me, my future is dark
All I can say now is “We’re worlds apart”

Cat Eyes

Cat Eyes

Unreal, unspoken words
Seem to twist the fragments
Of your face
Turning
Your Words
Your memory
Our love
Into something false

Into illusions, abstracts
Fading away forever
I don’t know you
I never did
You broke me down
You stole all I had
And kept everything I gave

None of it happened
I look back with
Only knowledge
That you were there
That we were in love
But I do not feel
Feel that it was ever there

I was left
With nothing
Left to die
I have forgotten
It was all a lie
Now I stand
Only able to see
What is now mine

Flashing lights
Colors bright
You were nothing
Compared to this
These lights
These sounds
These sights
These smells

They caress my soul
Wings beating
My heart racing alive
Clearer is my focus
My view

I can’t see
What I once saw in you
You’re violent
And cold
You are not
Who you once were

The last fragment
Of my love for you
Felt guilty
Felt bad
And broke beyond repair
No longer recognizable
You were right
Too much has changed

It wasn’t me at first
Not that I could see
But I did
Yet now it’s you
Who is bitter
Cold and harsh
Careless and cruel

You said you were sorry
You even cried
But your love
Your words
They were lies

I remember
What you did
How could I forget?
I still fell for you again
Not this time
Never again

Now you lie
You cover your tracks
My name
Suddenly appearing
On your friends lips
People I don’t even know
But who know me
Know everything
Know the lies
The embellishment
God forbid they know the truth

They talk to me
I pretend not to know you
They are confused
I don’t care
I am not the same
Because of you

You said that
You wanted to forget
So I moved on
I left you be
Why doesn’t it seem
Like you will
Leave me be

Why do they speak
Your name
My nightmares
They repeat them back to me
With your lies
I don’t want
To remember the truth
Or to know it

I was forgetting
I wish those lies were true
But they aren’t
And it makes me sorry
For more than me
But for you too

I have found
What I thought was lost
In a different shape
A different form
Only there is room for more
More things to live for, to love
Things I once thought
I never deserved
But after you
I came to realize that I did
Deserve this second chance
At love, at life

And you deserve
To hear the rumors
In you head
Never-ending, never silent
Deserve to feel
The pain I held
The hatred and fear
The broken love,
Fragmented memories
The shattered heart

To feel the walls
Closing in
The betrayal, the caution
You deserve to
Feel ripped apart
To relive the nightmare
That I kept inside
For more than a year

Tilla

Change of Heart

Change of Heart

The Tree
As it stands
Once tall and lush
Green and proud
Now barely alive
Branches broken
Struck by lightning
The leaves half fallen
It hangs its head
Toward the ground
Ready to sleep forever
Tired and hollow
Harsh winds of memories
Attempt to knock it down
After forever standing through the rain
Its roots, strong and pure
Never give up
Deeply embedded beneath
The storm, and mud, and bugs
Cling with such a force
To make the tree shelter it
To save it, feed it
The sun tries to revive
The leaves change and grow
Only the side struck stays
Forever burnt, ever fading, always there
Half alive, half dead
Half good, half evil
Half light, half dark
Half and Half
The change of heart

Lilac's Revenge

January 27 2009

Just because of silence
Because I couldn’t take you more
You forced me back into your life
It was much you wouldn’t ignore

So what, I didn’t say
Much the last few days
Did it perhaps occur to you?
That I wanted to break from you away?

But no, now I’m problematic
A plague in my family’s eyes
You intentionally infected me
With your outlandish lies

What the hell is wrong with you?
How did you ever have the heart?
When you knew nothing was going on
How could you this start?

Did you think this through, my friend?
You should have known me
By now you’d think you’d have gotten it
But instead forever lost you’ll be

I’ll go down and work it out
The responsibility now mine
Your selfish actions will catch up
To you, my friend, in time

Remember, friend, you started this
This inexcusable offense
Too soon I’ll have you realize
That bliss comes from ignorance

Tribute to Lilac

Dedicated to Lilac A. Black

12/08

Small enough and feathery
Purple faded blue
Never did I ever expect
the association I would have with you

Tiny little flowers
Symbols of destiny and fate
Little did I know
Your name I’d come to hate

Never should I resent you
For you stayed until the end
you, the lovely lilac
The only who’d stayed my friend